Dealing with pregnancy loss
Losing a pregnancy, whether wanted or unwanted, is physically and emotionally challenging. It takes time to get over it, long after our bodies are done with the work, our emotions stay with us a long time. And it’s important to acknowledge and work through them.
The kind of loss
Pregnancy loss—whether through miscarriage, abortion (wanted or unwanted), or stillbirth—is a deeply personal and often painful experience. It touches every part of life: the physical, emotional, relational, and sometimes spiritual. Yet it is still surrounded by silence, stigma, and misinformation. If you or someone close to you is going through this right now, know this: you are not alone, and your experience is valid, no matter what it looks like.
What counts as pregnancy loss?
Pregnancy loss is an umbrella term that includes a wide range of experiences:
Miscarriage: The spontaneous loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks. It’s more common than many realize—estimated to occur in 10–20% of known pregnancies.
Stillbirth: The loss of a pregnancy after 20 weeks.
Ectopic pregnancy: When the embryo implants outside the uterus and cannot survive.
Wanted abortion: A decision made to end a pregnancy, often complex and deeply personal.
Unwanted or coerced abortion: When the decision is made under pressure, fear, or circumstances that feel out of one’s control.
Physical and emotional symptoms of pregnancy loss
Physical symptoms can vary greatly depending on the type and timing of the loss. Many people experience heavy bleeding, clotting, cramps, breast tenderness or physical exhaustion. Depending on the kind of loss and duration of the pregnancy, you might suffer other symptoms as well and need a surgical removal. Your doctor should be able to guide you on this best.
Emotions after pregnancy loss can be intense, layered, and unpredictable. Some people feel grief. Others feel relief. Many feel guilt, confusion, anger, or even numbness. All responses are valid.
Common Emotional Symptoms:
Grief and sadness: Often the most prominent feelings, especially in cases of miscarriage or wanted pregnancies. If this was a much awaited pregnancy, you’re probably also dealing with all the things that won’t happen anymore with your baby.
Guilt and self-blame: Many ask, “What did I do wrong?” even when there is no clear cause. Many blame themselves, that they should have done or not done something, that might have prevented a lossÂ
Relief: Particularly after an abortion of an unwanted pregnancy that resolved a crisis—yet even this relief may come with guilt or sadness.
Anger or resentment: Directed at oneself, a partner, a medical system, or the world at large. This is valid and understandable, but let the feelings go through you and pass on. Work on letting go of the anger.
Anxiety and fear: Especially around future pregnancies or reproductive health. This can cause some people to go to extreme measures to “fix” themselves, their health and diets, which is not a healthy or sustainable option.
Loneliness: Because of the silence that surrounds pregnancy loss, many feel isolated in their pain. This can cause you to struggle on your own and feel like you’re the only one who is feeling that way. Trust me, you’re not.
Hormonal changes after loss can intensify emotions. It’s important to recognize that you’re not “overreacting” or “too sensitive.” Your brain and body are responding to a major life event. And you are allowed to take the time you need to process it all.
Breaking the silence
One of the hardest parts of pregnancy loss is how hidden it remains. We’re often taught to keep pregnancies secret until 12 weeks—and then suffer silently if something goes wrong. Abortions, particularly, are surrounded by judgment and misinformation. It’s time to change that.
Talking about loss doesn’t erase the pain, but it brings light to a place that too often feels dark. Every time someone shares their story, it gives someone else the courage to share theirs. And it gives you the opportunity to confront what you have gone through and accept it. And in that collective honesty, healing becomes possible.
Care for yourself by resting, giving yourself time to heal, eat nourishing foods, talk to loved ones and share your feelings. Setting boundaries on what you want to talk about or do, is one of the best self-care methods in such times.
Visit a support group or seek therapy so that you have the right words and tools to process the loss. You are not alone.
Stay up to date
Sign up to the newsletter to be the first to learn about news and special offers!
Have a thriving family life and career in Germany with ease
Quick Links
© 2022 The Confused Mother